Monday, January 6, 2014

What I Learned in December (and part of November)

I'm a little bit of a late bloomer. I've always taken longer to 'grow into myself' and find confidence than others typically do. So, it's not surprising to me that the link up I was planning on yes, linking up to, is already closed, but that's okay. I did have a baby 5 weeks ago, and yes I'm realizing that I have less and less time to use that as an excuse. It's sticking today, though!
Emily Freeman, whose online space is always so inspiring to me, opens up her blog once a month for others to link up and share what they've learned in that month. I've never participated, until now, so it's only fitting that I'm already too late. It's okay, though, because the point is not to link up & be seen, but to hash it out for myself so that I acknowledge the growth. Also? So that when I forget what I've learned (because I often do), I can come back and try to relearn it easier than the first time- work smarter not harder, right?
In December, I had a baby. I still struggle with that term, though, because she was cut out of me and I just wasn't expecting that. I really thought, despite the unwillingness to really think about it, that I'd get to push my baby out of me, as much as it would hurt. I do not intend to write out the entire birth story here for a few reasons, though at the moment, my fragility is the main one. I had never birthed a child before, so I didn't know what to expect, but let's just say that the 4 days I was in the hospital before my daughter was born, being induced, they scarred me. It involved a lot of me feeling like a lab rat, 'them' trying this and that, over and over and over (and over), all for it to not work and eventually operate to get my girl out of me because she finally wasn't tolerating what they were doing, and I was exhausted, not progressing, and unable to take any more- physically and especially mentally. I still can't talk about it (or apparently write about it) without crying because it was just so much the opposite of what I had hoped for. I know that my girl is healthy, and ultimately that's all that matters. I am so, so thankful. I am broken, though, and know that the scar on my abdomen that I have yet to look at because of how it makes me feel has changed me and the way I trust. I will stand up for myself better. I learned to trust myself and my gut over what a doctor sees as something that might, at one point, be cause for concern, because me and my feelings do matter, even if that's not what they're concerned with. We are strangely thankful to and frustrated with at the same time the physicians that monitored me over that long weekend and eventually cut me open, delivered our daughter, and then sewed me up, though I don't know if I'll ever feel less vulnerable and nervous around them.

I am now a momma to a healthy, beautiful girl that has changed our world significantly for 35 days and I am thrilled. I'm excited and slightly terrified for the things I will learn as her momma.

2 comments:

  1. I thought about linking with Emily for the first time this month too, and never even got this close=) Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your experience. My first birth was different for obvious and less obvious reason (obvious - I'm not you) (less obvious - didn't have a c-section) but I can relate to the need to sort of avert your eyes from the experience for a while. I wasn't ready to process her birth until around this time, maybe longer. It was all so fresh, so tender, so overwhelming, and while there were positive things about it, it wasn't all fairies and unicorns. You'll be more ready to process as you move away from the event and get to know sweet Mali more and more. She's blessed to have you as her mama!

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  2. :) and :( both from reading this. Proud to be your mama

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