Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Thoughts on Being a Childless Community

I’m going to go out on a limb here and write about something that’s personal and has made me nervous to write much about before, but I honestly don’t think that playing things safe is always the best option for us. It’s something I’ve felt myself, in the past and currently, and I just wonder if there’s anyone else out there that is dealing with these same emotions.
I’m a thirty year old woman that has been married for almost 6 and a half years and still has no children, despite the fact that I want them very much. Now, I am aware I’m not the only childless woman, and I know that there are so many different reasons why some of you don’t have children. Or, maybe you all do. I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one without, but I doubt that. ;) I want to make it clear that we are not struggling with infertility as far as we know. Like I said, we all have our reasons, and I have felt like a fraud at times in my sadness knowing that I don’t even know if I am able to get pregnant because we’ve not tried. (I meant it when I said this is personal, and is very, very difficult for me to be open about, but sometimes you have to do what you’re scared of, you know?) But I don’t want to believe that- that I’m a fraud and my feelings aren’t legitimate, nor do I want to minimize those of someone that really is unable to carry a child and wants that one things more than all the others. The thing I want most to communicate is this: I can’t possibly be the only person who feels left out of this community of women, married or single, that desires to be a mother and is not, but feels like less of a woman. It might be lies that you tell your self, or the fact that women with children make you feel as though you’re less. It could be the constant question from well-meaning (or not!) friends, family, and strangers even of, “When are you going to get pregnant?” It might just be a combination of all of these things, and most likely, it is.
Today, this is for you. I want to hear from you and tell you that you’re not alone, that your close friends may not even know the things they say (or don’t say) that hurt you. Just say hi- and let’s be there for each other.


*linking up with Heather of The EO & just write.

15 comments:

  1. You are beautifully brave, Mandie.

    And I was (am?) right there with you. Married for ten years, and childless. Now that I'm divorced, well-meaning people say all the time, "Well, at least you didn't have kids." So much sting in that statement for me.

    Sigh. You are loved. And you are not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh dear. not sure why it posted that way and didn't include my name... Take 2.

    ReplyDelete
  3. big hugs, friend. & thank you for sharing a piece of your heart/life. i wish for you what you want to have. & many prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Even though I don't fall in this category, I just want you to know how much I adore you!! Thank you for sharing your heart, I can imagine how difficult it must be!!! Please know that I love you for you and just because you aren't a mom that doesn't make you any less of a woman or a wife. God has called you to so much and you are absolutely wonderful at all that you do! Thank you for being a great friend to me!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think it's important for us to share our hearts with each other without judgement. What is easy for some, is incredibly hard for others. God knows your walk and your heart. Sweet blessings to you and the life God has given you, friend!! xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wanna write something eloquent here but mostly I just wanna give you a hug, buy you a coffee, and chat for hours.

    ReplyDelete
  7. first thing, i love you.
    second thing, thank you.
    i will go out on a limb myself and say that, even being an adoptive mama of one, doesn't make me want to be pregnant and birth a child less. but i can't and it was all finalized two years ago with a hysterectomy. i was 29. it still stings. i'm grateful for genuine joy for family and friends who are blessed with what i desire most. but it's difficult being "the one who can't" when people are complaining about their pregnancy, having too many kids...the complaining, i won't even talk about it anymore. so frustrating.
    you know?
    also for me, my only, and precious sweetest ever, son? he is special needs. and i sometimes fight wanting to just "be normal". then i remember that nobody even has normal, and some don't have any children at all. i'm in the middle of working all this out, you see.

    i guess my rambling leads me here: i am adjusting to the life i have at this moment. my now. this is where i am, and it's not by accident. i can love it and live it to the glory of god, or i can loathe what i lack and cry with no purpose. i am choosing to love and live. and when i cry, it's to the lord, tossing all my hurts and hopes on him, crying for him to heal, and to show me new desires and new loves. i want to be content.
    it's just so dang hard sometimes.

    i'm grateful that we are not alone. grateful for friendships that can be made through such a silly thing as the internet. i'm grateful that you are brave and willing to open your heart. i'm grateful for your encouragement. i'm grateful for you. xo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mandie, I think you are amazing. Being honest about these things is hard and brave and I love that you shared it. Although I'm not in the same exact boat with you, I can somewhat relate to those feelings of wanting to be in the "mother club" so to speak. After Josh and I miscarried our first baby, I felt that sting, that longing to belong. And while it did happen for us a few months later, those few months when it didn't happen were really difficult. I just want to say I love you and will be praying and thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I feel a sting of recognition in your words. Thanks so much for writing this.

    Most of my friends either have kids or are pregnant right now, and I feel jealous in my bones. Knowing that I won't bear children doesn't hold a candle to how difficult it is knowing that the only thing standing between myself and motherhood is money for adoption fees. Every time a friend is pregnant adoption is brought up, and the most I can muster is some mumbling about how we're still saving.


    The comfort to me is my great Comforter. Knowing He hears the cries (and screams, and f-bombs) of my heart gives me strength to continually dig myself out of the hole of self-pity and stand firm on His promises.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm right there with you. When I was younger I though I would definitely have kids by now but financially and circumstance ally the timing just hasn't been right yet. But I am loving the freedom that comes with having no kids for now, we only get this time in our lives once! There's definitely no reason we should feel lesser than.. The questions do get old, that's for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  11. oh, I can relate. We've been married for 2+ years and I'm going to turn 32 this month. I keep wondering when it will be my turn, yet I believe God's timing is perfect and even though I have to remind myself daily and sometimes every.single.hour. to trust Him.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You're not alone. I'm childless too and the question "still no kids?" pinch me right where it hurts the most. But I realized that being childless does not make me any less of a person, woman or wife.

    Thank you for pouring your heart out here. You did me a favor and hopefully, you feel a lot better too.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I read your post and I connected with it. We're in a situation that it's just not the right time. And while I'm okay with that it's really hard some days. The past month has been really hard. Tuesday hit a near breaking point when I learned my sister in law who is pregnant is having a girl. I've been battling the "they weren't even planning on having more kids & were preventing and got pregnant; while we can't seem to move out of the situation we're in so we can move towards starting our family" since I found out she was pregnant.

    So, I understand.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hey girl. Just a little note of love. Zero kids or a hundred, you are loved by many and by One for YOU! And you have SO much to offer! Proud of you for sharing. Thank you for being open about what women with kids can say that hurts, even if they don't mean for it to. You're an amazing girl and I'm proud to call you a friend! -R

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am not childless, but I so appreciate reading your words here because they serve as a reminder to me to think a bit more and be 200x more sensitive in how I talk to others. I never want any other woman to think I see her as inferior for not having children or not having enough children or not....anything.

    ReplyDelete

I'm so glad you're here!